Don't you want to be part of the experience?

One day, a month ago, I really hit bottom. I just felt that in a godless universe, I didn't want to go on living. I happen to own this rifle which I loaded and pressed to my forehead. I thought, "I'm gonna kill myself." Then I thought, "What if I'm wrong? What if there is a God? Nobody really knows." "No. Maybe is not good enough. I want certainty or nothing."



I remember clearly, the clock was ticking and I was sitting there frozen debating whether to shoot. All of a sudden, the gun went off. I was so tense I inadvertently squeezed the trigger. But I was perspiring so much the gun slid off my forehead and missed me. Suddenly, neighbors were pounding on the door and the whole scene was just pandemonium. I ran to the door. I didn't know what to say. I was embarrassed and confused. My mind was racing a mile a minute. I just knew one thing, I had to get out of that house. I had to get out in the fresh air and clear my head.



And I remember, I walked the streets. I didn't know what was going through my mind. It all seemed so violent and unreal to me. I wandered on the Upper West Side. It must have been hours. My feet hurt, my head was pounding.



I went into a movie. Didn't know what was playing. I just needed a moment to gather my thoughts and be logical, and put the world back into rational perspective. I went up to the balcony and I sat down.



The movie was one I'd seen many times in my life since I was a kid, and I always loved it. I'm watching the screen and I started getting hooked on the film.And I started to feel: 





"How can you think of killing yourself? Isn't it stupid? Look at all the people on-screen. They're funny, and what if the worst is true? There's no God, you only go around once, that's it. Don't you want to be part of the experience? It's not all a drag."



"I should stop ruining my life searching for answers, and just enjoy it while it lasts."





And after, who knows? Maybe there is something. I know "maybe" is a slim reed to hang your life on, but that's the best we have. And then I started to sit back and I actually began to enjoy myself.













人生七十才開始，現在有小婊子，我才不要自殺哩！









Woody 在漢娜姊妹的這一大段 quote 真的很深得我心，尤其是 "I should stop ruining my life searching for answers, and just enjoy it while it lasts." 常為了些自己也知道很微末細枝的瑣事所困擾不已，凡事都要有意義，都得要有個合理的解釋，以期有個符合我偏激道德觀的動機，為什麼要有意義？尋找意義本身就是無意義……



"Don't you want to be part of the experience? It's not all a drag."



Woody 這句話點醒了我，雖然學而不思則罔，思而不學則殆，但我過度強調思考了，整天把自己搞得神經兮兮，到頭來我也沒成為哲學家，這世界有太多值得我不加思索去擁抱的美好事物了。



最後附上幾張小婊子，這樣的小婊子就有抓到平衡，不刻意賣弄風騷，簡單的打扮卻藏不住骨子裡的性感，更令人驚喜的是，我悲嘆已久的 Charlotte 似乎又回來了！



( 自從那張兩女一男的 cover 就對小婊子印象分數扣到最谷底。)